High School Senior Forced to Hang Out with Guy Who Pulled Him Beer

CANORA, SK – High school senior, Matt Dawkins (17), is reported to be in dire straits to get beer for a pit party over the weekend without having to hang out with his pull. Braden Durant, a 23-year-old who does seasonal shingling and minor framework for his dad’s construction company during the summers is said to be Dawkins’ “pull.” 

“All I want from the guy is a 15 of Vancouver Island’s finest Lucky Lager,” says Dawkins. “I really do not want to have to hang out with the guy.”

Dawkins was spotted entering Durant’s rented home at around 3:30 P.M., says witnesses. After an hour of watching Durant “haul fat bong rips” and “wreck bitches” in the first person shooter video game Call of Duty: Warzone, the pair were reported to be heading to the liquor store with Lil Wayne’s “A Milli” blasting from Durant’s 2008 Honda Civic. 

Dawkins, who was wearing a gray bunnyhug with the hood pulled up, a low baseball cap and large aviator sunglasses, told reporters that, “I really don’t want to be seen with him. He has one 10-inch sub-woofer in his trunk and thinks it slaps. It’s embarrassing.” After the two left the liquor store, they were sighted driving by Dawkins parents’ home on 2nd Ave. According to sources, Durant wanted to give Dawkins a free shingling quote on his family home. “Looks to be about a 30 bundler,” said Durant through the gray haze of a Canadian Classic cigarette. “At that point, I really didn’t give a fuck,” reported Dawkins. “I had my beer and was set. I thought I was home free; I was sadly mistaken.”

The two were seen driving around Canora for approximately another hour. Durant allegedly showed Dawkins a car he was “so fuckin’ close to buying” as they pulled up to an $80,000 candy red Dodge Challenger. According to Durant, he was just 2 shingling jobs away from buying the muscle car. Durant apparently coerced the location of the pit party out of Dawkins around the time they were looking at the car. Dawkins said to a reporter on the scene, “Great, now this guy is gonna show up to the party fuckin’ trashed, tell everyone that we’re friends, and perv on high school girls. There’s a decent chance I’m gonna get my ass kicked at this party because of him.”

A classmate and peer of Dawkins, who agreed to speak to us under the condition of anonymity, said he was held back at an early stage of his primary school career and has been 19 years old for a few months now. “Yeah, Matt doesn’t know that. So, he thinks he has to use Braden to pull him beer all the time. It’s fuckin’ hilarious.”

At press time, Durant was inquiring if the high school senior could chip-in for gas.