LLOYDMINSTER, SK – Tinder user and local bachelor, Keegan Bishop (22), found himself in an uncomfortable situation as he found his second cousin, Ashley Meyer (19), on the dating-app Tinder and momentarily considered swiping right on her. Bishop, who was having little success on the infamous hook-up app was reported to have stumbled upon his cousin on it last Friday afternoon. Sources confirm that he struggled to not slide into the DMs of his grandmother’s sister’s granddaughter and the part-time Earl’s waitress.
“Before you go making assumptions, you need to know that I had a couple of Lucky’s in me and her profile pic was of her in that little bikini she had on during the family fishing trip last year. If you saw it, you’d think about it, too. It also doesn’t help that I’m… a little backed up. It’s been a while since my worker’s been out on the pipeline, if you know what I mean. I wasn’t thinking straight,” Bishop assured us. “Besides, she’s usually into older guys than me.”
Local sources call for further investigation on Bishop’s alleged moment of lapsed judgement, claiming that his infatuation for Ashley runs deeper than a business buzz and a dry spell. “Is that what he told you?” said Keegan’s childhood friend and current roommate, Chadwyn Spencer (22). “That is bullshit, man. He’s had a crush on her forever. Me and the boys used to bust his balls about it all the time. I guarantee you that he’s kicking himself right now for not giving it a shot.”
The Pot Hole inquired Ashely about her relationship with Keegan, and she was happy to elaborate. “Aw, I love Keegs! He’s a bit distant in terms of bloodline but he’s honestly like a brother to me. He does such sweet things for me like buying me meals and drinks when we’re out. I can always rely on him to rub sunblock on by back and thighs when we’re at the cabin, he almost insists on doing it. If he ever finds a girlfriend, she’s going to be such a lucky gal!”
Bishop could not be reached for further comment as he was enthralled in a Google search of “how to undo a left swipe on Tinder”.
When interviewed about the developing story, residents of both the Saskatchewan and Alberta side of Lloyd told our reporters that hooking up with a second cousin is probably okay. It’s not like she’s your first cousin or a sister, or something. Just make sure she’s on the pill before you take her to Station 51.