REGINA, SK – The Saskatchewan Health Authority (SHA) has released a new statement in a press conference regarding the COVID-19 pandemic and the slow reopening of Saskatchewan. Resident SHA physician, Dr. Paresh Ahuja, recommended that while some small businesses and services may begin returning to work, it is essential that those who have to remain home maintain a reasonable business buzz during work hours to prevent “cabin fever” and to maximize efficiency.
“The strong, resilient workers of Saskatchewan need to know that their patience is appreciated during this time and that we are doing all that we can to flatten the curve. In the meantime, there is absolutely no reason why you cannot have a quick beer or your favourite cocktail during the last few hours of work or when you’re on those especially long conference calls. Like, who’s gonna notice? Are you gonna nark on yourself?”
The press conference, in accordance to COVID-19 social distancing measures, was performed via web-conferencing software Zoom. The meeting included Saskatchewan’s politicians and the Saskatchewan Health Authority’s Chief Medical Officers. Most of the members of the conference were streaming from their home offices with the exception of Dr. Ahuja, who was reportedly streaming from his patio wearing a backwards ball cap and “bitchin’ aviators”. Sources confirmed that Dr. Ahuja reached by his feet with his left arm and the sounds of clinking glass and the snap of a bottle cap being twisted off could be heard over Nickelback’s This Afternoon as he continued his address to the province.
“While they were at the office, I am sure that the hardy men and women of Saskatchewan took plenty of smoke breaks, went out for lunch beers, and snuck out early every now and then to grab a couple of schooners at The Broken Rack, just like I did when I was at the office. To deprive yourself of that now in these testing times is a detriment to the quality of life for any Canadian and a major buzzkill. Obviously, you can’t get floor-lickin’ drunk until five, so we recommend that the people of Saskatchewan working at home maintain a healthy two-to-three beer buzz while performing their work duties to maintain safety and productivity.”
When questioned if these methods were truly what is the best for the province, Dr. Ahuja stood firm in his resolve. “Do you think that I get through three-hour meetings with those uptight bitches at the SHA and the World Health Organization without a couple of Old Fashioneds in me first? No way, there’s not a snowball’s chance in Hell that I could do that. I don’t expect our civilians to endure that, either.”
The Pot Hole attempted to inquire more on Dr. Ahuja’s initiative but unfortunately Alan Jackson’s Pop a Top had played on his “Dr. FeelGood’s Feel Good Playlist” in which he declared, “Oh fuck yeah, dudes! This shit is my jam!” In his excitement to stand and turn up the volume, Dr. Ahuja had knocked his laptop off his glass outdoor table. Only a string of expletives could be heard as his laptop hit the concrete patio floor and the press conference came to a close.