GRONLID, SK – Saskatchewan slo-pitch teams across the province are contesting the newest changes regarding the mandatory minimum female participants that a slo-pitch team may have set by Slo-Pitch National (SPN). In a recent press conference, the SPN announced that the traditional rule of a minimum of two women per slo-pitch team has been altered to differentiate that every slo-pitch team entered in a tournament of three teams or more must include two or more straight women per team.
This decision has been met with a ton of controversy. Emma Herman, a spokesperson for SPN, has stated that the organization stands behind their decision. “Have you ever seen a straight woman pitch? More often than not, it’s a total muffin. What we have noticed in recent years is that many teams are bypassing this fact by recruiting lesbians to play on their teams. You put a straight woman out on the mound versus a lesbian and I’ll guarantee you that you’ll be able to tell the difference. I’ll put it to you this way, only one of those balls is gonna reach the catcher’s mitt, and there isn’t a snowball’s chance in Hell it’s gonna be from the first baseman’s girlfriend. Unless, of course, the first baseman is the first basewoman.”
Of the local teams contesting this new ruling is Gronlid-based slo-pitch juggernauts, the Gronlid Ball Busters. “We depend on my sister as a staple of this team and have done so for years. Ever since she went to the 2005 Canada Games for softball then on to Nationals and World’s she has been our cornerstone,” says Richard Lutz, the long-time captain of the Gronlid team. “She’s a weapon on the mound on her own but it got even sweeter when she got hitched to her wife and she’s been playing for us too. It’s been smooth sailing ever since. We plow right through those Arborfield chumps and their two sorry excuses for outfielders that are only there to get their kids’ faces painted and shit. If we break our formula up now, we’re going to be more screwed than that Zenon Park girl that’s obviously only there for Twisted Tea and sucking more than just Spitz. Elle est une chien.”
When The Pot Hole reached out to Richard’s sister and the team’s all-star pitcher, Stephanie Lutz-Kimball, reporters found that she shares her brother’s concerns. “I overcame years of bigotry, homophobia, and bullying just to slide over and let the same simple bimbos who called me the d-word in high school have a piece of what I had to work for? No, fuck that noise. If those bitches want a spot on this team, they gotta earn it. It’s not just going to be handed to them by their husbands like they’re used to.”
At press time, Mrs. Lutz-Kimball was found “warming up” her arm by hurling 50 km/h pitches at the Ball Buster’s hapless new recruit and the third basemen’s niece, Christine McMullen (18).