VANCOUVER, BC – Local retail employee and Wicca practitioner, Katrina Foster (21) is happy to announce the completion of her plans to leave the backwater, superstitious, and ignorant province of Saskatchewan to pursue a career in Wicca and astrology in the progressive city of Vancouver, B.C.
Before The Pot Hole could question Foster, she demanded that we call her “Moonlight Labia”. She had a vision one year ago during a particularly long mushroom trip at a local music festival and alleges that her spirit guide blessed her with the name. “It was an immensely spiritual and powerful experience; you simpletons would not understand,” Moonlight Labia had said about the discrepancy in her name. With the air-cleared, Labia began to inform the Pot Hole that she is happy to be finally rid of all the “slack-jawed blue collars” and “yokels” of her previous home and is excited to begin her new and better life.
“In Saskatchewan, if you aren’t a flat-out racist then you are definitely guilty of cultural appropriation,” said a head-dressed Labia as she smudged her apartment with sage and sweetgrass. “The worst part is, they are too ignorant to even see what they are doing.”
When she is not smudging the apartment that she shares with five roommates, Labia can be found either practicing her Wicca and tarot readings downtown or working a part-time retail position at a vegan supply shop in the Richmond area.
“The supply store is a shitty gig but I need something to help me pay the bills until my spiritual business takes off,” explained Labia as she inhaled a large draw from her Pussy Power-labeled mini-bubbler. “What I am doing is something that the world needs right now.”
Labia, who is incapable of cooking her own meals and relies on services such as Uber Eats for sustenance, told The Pot Hole that most people do not even know their moon sign and cannot expect to be able to navigate their lives without her spiritual guidance. “I see so many weak auras and a straight-up rejection of the psychic energies that the cosmos want our vessels to have,” said Labia. “You cannot put a price on knowing your potential Magick abilities but a consultation with me for only $399 is the best investment that you can make.”
When asked if Labia would consider moving her Wicca business back to Saskatchewan, she replied, “What would be the point? There are only yokels and rubes who lack the psychic awareness to benefit from my practice. They do not deserve me and I do not need them.”
At press time, Labia could be found texting her father, a Saskatchewan carpenter of over thirty years, to ask for money to help her out with rent and groceries for the fourth consecutive month.