NIPAWIN, SK – Saskatchewan Public Health officials, after rigorous testing of a new cannabis strain developed in Nipawin, SK, confirmed today that the species is too deadly for human consumption. The team of scientists, physicians, botanists and self-proclaimed “fucking weapons” determined that consumption of the strain colloquially known as Jubilee was dangerously unsafe for anyone afraid of a good time.
In an interview with Dr. Paresh Ahuja, the Saskatchewan Health Authority physician revealed to The Pot Hole that Jubilee is, “Way, way too deadly for the average Saskatchewan resident. This is especially true for populations not accustomed to deadliness such as those who reside in Aspen Ridge, Saskatoon, accountants, Jim Treliving, and white boys.” After pulling a killer rip from his faded Rick and Morty mini-bubbler, Dr. Ahuja continued between coughs, “People born and raised in Prince Albert should be okay, though.”
The six-person team of experts pulled together by the Saskatchewan Health Authority put Jubilee through a clinical trial over the weekend. The team was assembled by Dr. Ahuja, who described the research team as a “fucking sick crew”, to test the deadliness of the strain. With a grant from the Canadian Institutes for Health Research, the team was able to rent a cabin at Tobin Lake, SK for a few days to test the efficiency of the cannabis at a remote testing site.
“The only way to test if this product is, in fact, too deadly is to test it under the conditions of its average consumer. My team and I introduced variables to our research site such as a few cases of Luckys, a barbeque, and the most bitchin’ Helix mixtape you’ve ever heard. The validity of our results won’t be harmed if we get out on the lake, work on our tans, and snag a few Walters while we’re at it, either.” When questioned if there were other variables that could help confirm their findings Dr. Ahuja continued, “some cigarettes and some chicks would be nice.”
At press time, Dr. Ahuja was conducting an additional study on a Nipawin-grown Sativa known as Hawk’s Claw. Attempting to review the plant’s effects on aggression he finished the interview by challenging our reporter to an altercation with, “Skoododisden.”