REGINA, SK – An unusual and concerning development has been made to the previously established five-phase plan to flatten the curve of COVID-19 in Saskatchewan. Premier Scott Moe announced today that a new, sixth phase of the plan will be added. He had also declared that this addition will be named “Protocol Ten”.
The Premier has been elusive on the details regarding this new phase of the COVID-19 plan but not entirely silent. Sources say that Moe has discarded traditional means of addressing the province, opting instead to sporadically share information about the plan via an IMAX screen on the Mosaic Potash Tower in Regina, SK and a PA system that reaches the entirety of the city, “Protocol Ten is a friend of the Saskatchewan people, not the enemy. During this phase, it will seem as if we are retracting on our progress of reopening. Let me tell you this, your sacrifice in Protocol Ten will be known in history as the measure that eradicated COVID-19 from our great province once and for all.”
In response to the rising cases of COVID-19 in the Northern regions of the province, Moe argues that an unconventional method is necessary to completely eradicate the virus from Saskatchewan. “We should, nay, we must gather the province’s entire population into one location to create a singular health facility. The City of Regina will act as this facility. This way, every resident of Saskatchewan will be taken care of while reducing the strain on our medical system. We must also wall off this new city-wide facility to ensure that our population remains under our care. A compliance officer will be visiting you soon, do not do anything unwise.” When questioned if this new phase would affect the residents of Saskatchewan for the rest of their life, Scott Moe responded, “That will not be an issue.”
Not all of Moe’s fellow Saskatchewan Party members have been in support of this new phase, however. The most outspoken of these members has been Weyburn-Big Muddy MLA, Dustan Duncan, “Moe will answer for this. If he doesn’t answer to the public, he will answer to me. I am the Night! Er, I mean, I am the negotiator necessary to deescalate this madness.” The Pot Hole reporters intended to inquire what Duncan had meant by that comment, but had momentarily turned their backs to him and had found that he had disappeared in an instant.
At press time, Moe returned to his extravagant communications system to provide a new update on the sixth phase, “Protocol Ten will commence in nine hours.”