MOOSOMIN, SK – The community of Moosomin has voiced their outrage and minor disappointment in response to the news that middle-schooler Jason Dickson (14) had been groomed into a sexual relationship with his Social Studies teacher, Katherine Ives (39). According to sources, the McNaughton High School predator had influenced Dickson into an increasingly physical relationship to the point where the teacher used the minor for sexual intercourse several times per week before she was apprehended by the RCMP.
Although members of the community have been shaken by this tragedy, they also cannot help but feel that it was a missed opportunity as statutory rape at the hands of Ives’ colleague and McNaughton’s Grade 10 English teacher, Melissa Conte (28), would have been a far superior traumatizing experience. “Don’t get me wrong, Ms. Ives ain’t bad. She’s kinda got that ‘your friend’s hot aunt’ thing going for her, but she’s got nothing on Mrs. Conte,” said Dickson’s classmate, Matthew Lang (14). “I’m happy for Jason but he could have done better. Whatever, all that means is that there’s more Mrs. Conte for me. I could totally bang her,” continued Lang just before he spilled half a can of Mountain Dew: Baja Blast on the Hurley sweater that his mom had bought for him the previous Christmas.
Lang is not the only one who shares these sentiments. Local high school senior, Chris Menza (17), had reached out to The Pot Hole to discuss how Dickson had made a poor choice in his horrific, life-long emotional scarring. “When I was his age, Ms. Ives came on to me, too. I was like, ‘no way’. I had my sights on Mrs. Conte. She had just got a job at our school and my older brother apparently hooked-up with her when she was in college. I figured that I had a chance if I just held out for a few years and started working out. Turns out, she got married the first year that she came here. Maybe I should have taken up Ms. Ives’ offer to spend the weekend at her cabin a couple of years ago.”
The Pot Hole then went to the local poon-hound’s residence to give the beauty a high five and split a six-pack of Pilsner with him. However, reporters found the scene to be a major buzzkill when the insatiable playboy sat silently in his room. Instead of celebrating his most recent sexual conquest, Dickson chose to converse only by trembling, weeping uncontrollably, and muttering fractured thoughts about, “How can I ever trust anyone again?”, “What is wrong with me?” and, “This is all my fault. Why did I let this happen?” Our reporters slipped out and returned to the school when Jason withdrew his phone and opened the same porn clip that he had watched for the 15th consecutive time that day with a vacant, emotionless look on his face.
At press time, McNaughton’s Physical Education teacher, James Byrne (41), argued that while Mrs. Conte is undoubtedly hotter than Ms. Ives, neither compared to the “stone-cold foxes” on the senior girls’ volleyball and cross-country running teams.