REGINA, SK – With the Government of Saskatchewan’s five-phase to reopen the province now in effect, many fear that the plan’s launch may have been premature. Concerned citizens suggest that the re-opening may put residents of Saskatchewan at risk of exposure to another season of Corner Gas: The Animated Series being inflicted on all regions of the province.
“If this cannot be contained, it will spread all over to CBC, CTV, and all the local channels. Those of us who are confined to their homes, such as myself, will be at a far greater risk to be exposed to the show than someone who can just get up and go to work,” says Gladys Kovach (76) of Lumsden, SK. “It’s not fair for the government to let people without Netflix subscriptions, like me, suffer in silence.”
Sources speculate that a potential outbreak of the animated show may worsen in the average household due to carelessness and a lack of taste in quality television programming. When questioned about these speculations, Gladys’ grandson and local fireman Brody Kovach (27), says he will do what he can to prevent his grandmother from having to sit through a half-hour of C-tier animation and witless jokes.
“As a first responder, I’ve seen what the show does to people and it’s awful. It reminds me of The Simpsons post-Season 13 epidemic but this is far, far more intolerable. Imagine the animation of Brickleberry, but somehow worse, with the jokes of This Hour Has 22 Minutes if the writing staff were hungover. I love my grandma and I will be damned if I just sit there and let her watch something not even half as good as Jonovision was. We can all do our part for our elderly loved ones by renting them books and ensuring that the channel stays on the news.”
When asked about Gladys’ comments on protecting those who do not have Netflix subscriptions, Brody responded, “Oh, I did set mine up at her place. I’ve shown her how to turn it on a few times, but she keeps forgetting how to use then eventually forgets she even has it. I’ll have to go back to show her again.”
Experts from Health Canada and the Saskatchewan Health Authority (SHA) warn that the show will first infect vulnerable populations such as the elderly and children in the household and then move to middle-aged and young adults from there.
“Combating this epidemic is especially close to me as my uncle has already been under the influence of Corner Gas: The Animated Series during its first two waves. He is also compromised as-is from repeated exposure to the Royal Canadian Air Farce plague of the 1990s,” said Kristen Walker (41), a spokesperson for the SHA. “A third wave would be all that it takes for him to never regain good taste in television. I won’t give up on my uncle, I will get him watching Ozark someday.”
Walker goes on to explain that this mutation of the original and more benign Corner Gas strain is harder to be contained as it can congregate anywhere. “Originally, all of the components had to be Rolo. Now, the entire staff can be literally across the country, snowballing this atrocity to our doorsteps via the internet. Voice acting can be done from literally anywhere and by anybody, it’s hardly a real job. It’s scary to think about but we need to begin preparing ourselves for the worst.”
“I shudder to think of what it will be like at Thanksgiving this year when the third season is out. If there is nothing else on our entire family will be decimated by sheer boredom in one sitting,” Walker tearfully concluded. “This province will endure if we stay safe, support quality programming, and maybe keep a board game or two kicking around.”