Local Pervert Has Daily Ritual of Stroking Bovine Nipples and Selling the Milk for Profit

Pervert Cow

ESTERHAZY, SK – Local farmer and the definition of sadistic derangement, Herbert Litzenberger (68), confirmed the rumours today surrounding the bizarre and unsettling treatment of the animals on his farm. According to the rumours, Litzenberger spends the bulk of his day stroking and caressing the nipples of several Holstein heifers, extracting their milk, and selling it for a profit. Some townsfolk speculate that the manic farmer keeps some and drinks it for himself, some even believe that he drinks it straight from the udder.

When reached for comment on these allegations, the sexagenarian did not show any remorse for his actions. In fact, he seemed to brag about his exploits. “Yup, I wake up at 4:00 every morning and get the day started with the ol’ girls. I took the farm over from my daddy and have started my day the same way for over sixty years. They sometimes kick and raise a fuss, but they always warm up to me. The gals ain’t as keen on mornings as I am, I suppose.”

When asked to speak on the rumours about him profiting off his erratic behaviour Litzenberger continued, “It won’t make me a millionaire any time soon, but I got enough to keep me and my wife’s bellies full with some to leave to my grandkids, someday. There isn’t much more a guy can ask for than that.” The crazed individual went on to describe how his behaviour fills him with a sense of pride every day and that there is no price tag that you can put on that.

The man had also made delusional, grandiose claims that the heifers need his touch and that they would suffer if he did not milk them. In a daring move of exhibitionism, Litzenberger revealed to our reporter the technique that he uses to extract the fluids from the heifers and even showed off the machines that he keeps in some sort of sick, twisted, concrete dungeon for when he needs more milk than his hands can provide. “We call this the milking chamber. I like milking by hand ‘cuz its soothing to the cows and it reminds me of my childhood, but nobody really milks by hand anymore. The demand is just too high, I have a relatively small operation here and I have trouble keeping up with the shipments that our buyers want.” After he expressed his disappointment that his children were not around as much to assist him with his strange rituals, Litzenberger alluded to a shady, underground industry that profits from individuals like himself. There are existing speculations that Conservative Regina-Qu’Appelle MP, Andrew Sheer, may have some involvement in this obscure business scheme.

Our reporter had begun to feel unsafe and had to leave the scene after witnessing Litzenberger extract the menstrual cycles from small, flightless female birds with plans to feed the unfertilized embryos to his wife and grandchildren. He did not want to speak to us about what he saw and could only refer to Litzenberger as, “a truly sick bastard”.