HUMBOLDT, SK – The Canadian Weather Radar released a statement today that the torrential downpour experienced by those in the Northern regions of the province is expected to last anywhere from three minutes up to more than three days. The early July downpour began on Thursday, the 2nd and may either be raging on or passed away a long time ago at the time of this publication.
Public safety officials are already prepared to declare a flooding state of emergency while local farmers are already bitching that it wasn’t enough. The Government of Saskatchewan’s emergency response has congregated local health officials, foresters, first responders, and even the Canadian Armed Forces in preparation for the catastrophic loss of human life and property that may ensue over the course of the next few days. Alternatively, farmers of the region do not share the government’s optimism for how long the rain will last and have begun evaluating their crop insurance policy options.
“Them fuckers over at the Government of Saskatchewan couldn’t organize an orgy in a brothel,” said local grain farmer Jason Douglas (42). “What makes you think that they will step up and help us when the drought hits or when we are totally flooded out? Depending on what happens over the next few hours, of course.”
The Government of Saskatchewan disagreed with Douglas’ assessment, stating that they will do everything in their power to ensure that all Saskatchewan residents are protected from the potential devastating disaster or the mild inconvenience if caught outside.
At press time, the Canadian Weather Network also issued extreme hail warnings and a UV index of 10 simultaneously for all of Saskatchewan for July 3, 2020.