OTTAWA, ON – Many Canadians have expressed their disapproval in response to the federal government’s recent call for restrictions on the possession and sale of automatic, semi-automatic and military-grade firearms in Canada. These cries of outrage generally cite a lack of freedom to own and bear arms, further restrictions to rights and freedoms, and most tangibly the reduction of income for merchants who rely on the sale, trading, and purchasing of firearms in order to create a livelihood and provide for themselves.
In an unexpected move from the federal government of listening to the common man, Justin Trudeau invited a firearm merchant into his home at 24 Sussex Drive, Ottawa to discuss the restrictions. Mr. Trudeau and his team considered this decision as appropriate due to the merchant wearing a mask and therefore complying with COVID-19 precautions.
“Welcome!” exclaimed the merchant even though he was in Mr. Trudeau’s residency.
“Hello, bonjour, welcome, and bienvenue,” replied Mr. Trudeau. After discussing current and suggested policies surrounding the purchase and possession of firearms with the merchant, the Prime Minister had asked him the following question, “Although you are a firearms vendor, I am sure that you are committed to selling firearms for hunting purposes only and are concerned for the safety and well-being of the Canadian public. Are you aware that the firearms that you sell can easily be resold on the street and placed into the hands of criminals? Would you sell firearms to anybody, with this in mind?”
Mistaking this hypothetical question for a proposition to buy his wares, the merchant swung his trench coat open. He bellowed, “What’re you buyin’!?” in a pseudo-Australian accent as he revealed a large collection of rifles, shotguns, pistols, ammunition, and firearm accessories. Witnesses report that the merchant was even offering to sell a single-fire rocket propelled grenade launcher (RPG) from inside the Prime Minister’s residency.
Although members of the federal government and the press fled for safety initially, it was clear after a few minutes that the merchant was only interested in selling weapons rather than using them. Mr. Trudeau made a few goodwill purchases from the merchant that included a tactical vest, a stock for his Tactical Machine Pistol (TMP), a high-powered scope, first aid spray, as well as upgrades to the firepower and reload speed for his high capacity semi-automatic shotgun. The Prime Minister states that he could not be more pleased with his purchases as he has some upcoming diplomatic disputes that he must settle with the Salazar family in Spain.
“Is that all, stranger?” the merchant asked even though Mr. Trudeau had introduced himself several times both in English and French. Mr. Trudeau agreed that he had bought all that he could afford without selling his Red and Green Catseyes and that the interview had come to a close.
“Ha ha ha! Thank you!” said the merchant in response to Mr. Trudeau’s purchases and for considering working Canadians in parliament’s decisions on firearm regulation policies.
At press time, reporters were perplexed how the merchant could be at 24 Sussex Drive as sources confirmed that the same merchant had a booth set-up at Gatineau Park Visitor Centre just a mere three minutes before his interview with Mr. Trudeau.