REGINA, SK – A startling revelation and a potential end to the worldwide pandemic has been found right in Saskatchewan’s backyard as scientists have accidentally discovered that the COVID-19 virus cannot handle the inhospitable conditions of Regina’s own Wascana Lake.
The discovery was made by a research assistant (RA) named Jacob Mann (26) who was doing an understudy with the University of Regina’s Department of Biology. The RA was tasked with delivering a sample of the viral culture from the airport to the lab but had decided that a quick kayak and smoke-sesh with the boys on his way back couldn’t hurt. Upon flipping his kayak and having the sample fall out of his Billabong shorts and into the lake, the research assistant expressed his fear and then astonishment on the water’s effect to virus.
“When the vial fell into lake my entire life and my career flashed before my eyes. I thought that was I was completely and utterly fucked,” said Mr. Mann. “I fished the vial out A.S.A.P and hauled ass back to the lab on my long-board. A bit of water had slipped into the vial, I had to act fast before my superiors could find out. I prepped the sample as my supervisor would have and ran the contaminated culture under the electron microscope. The sample that we had received from Wuhan supposedly was a rich one, even an untrained eye would be able to see a thriving viral culture under the microscope. Instead, I only saw fractions of the befouled water.”
When asked if the virus escaping into the depths of the Wascana along with his one-hitter, Jacob elaborated, “There is no chance that the virus escaped as these vials utilize a vacuum technology – matter can only enter them, not exit, even with hairline fractures in them. The only possibility is that the water had completely decimated the virus’ protein casing and destroyed the genetic material inside.”
Mr. Mann had told The Pot Hole that under regular circumstances he would have blamed the fiasco on Vihaan Laghari, an ESL exchange student from Hyderabad, India, as he did with many of his previous blunders. This time, he decided that the right thing to do in this case would be to take credit for the discovery.
After the news broke out in the scientific community, scientists from around the world flocked to the lake to study its antiviral effects. “What we had found was truly vile, it is no wonder that a virus would not survive,” said Dr. Seon Jung-Wha, a post-doctorate of Epidemiology from the University of Seoul. “My father fought in the war [Editor’s Note: The Korean War] and would not have been subjected to water nearly this bad. Speaking strictly in terms of physiology, the organic material of the COVID-19 virus is far, far more fit for human consumption than this water.”
Once the researchers had collected samples from the lake, they had considered setting up bases near the lake for further research. However, this decision was quickly overturned when the international committee of doctorates found out that this year’s Dragon Boat Festival and Shake at the Lake Festival would both be cancelled this year.
At press time, animal rights activists have begun protesting the University of Regina for potentially endangering the lake’s population of dead fish and disrupting their natural state of being strewn about its shores.