MELFORT, SK – Local wife and mother of three, Dianne Bookout (39), has confirmed her family’s suspicions today that she feels a surge of dopamine comparable to injecting uncut heroin from recklessly throwing away priceless valuables that are stored in boxes and cabinets of her household’s basement, attic, garage, and bedrooms.
The bane of all that is vintage and undoubtedly “fucking sweet”, Bookout loves nothing more than seeking out items both collectible and practical to either donate or destroy.
“I cannot lie, it’s a rush unlike any other,” said Bookout. “During my bout of spring cleaning this year I completely ruined my husband and children financially, and it felt fucking great. That shit was better than coke, but not Diet Coke®; I couldn’t live without my Diet Coke®. Before I blacked out from the pure ecstasy, I recall getting rid of a broken Harley Davidson clock from 1992, a collection of second-hand Megadeth CDs, a book of crinkled Pokémon cards that included two third-edition Charizards, a miniature keyboard piano, and a belt-sander with a burnt out motor that my husband claimed he was going to fix before we even had our daughter, Morgan (13).”
Mrs. Bookout felt no remorse for her actions, and even told The Pot Hole her plans to continue depriving her family of all the material goods that bring them happiness. “First thing to go for the summer is that God-awful plastic Christmas tree in the garage. We don’t even use that thing, we bought a far, far better one last year. Next to go is those tacky katana swords that James (17 – Dianne’s son) bought a few years ago. He can either take them when he moves out or they are hitting the trash.” Dianne was visibly trembling and licking her lips in excitement at the prospect of throwing the honourable weapon of the samurai in the dumpster.
Dianne also expressed that disposing of collectibles in the house no longer satiates her appetite for destruction and has plans to expand her warpath. Her newest summer project will include clearing the small woodshed in the family’s yard of water-skis, the Mountain Dew: Baja Blast® mini-fridge, cages that homed the family’s rabbits in 2001, and a box of Hockey News magazines running from 1989 to 1995.
The Pot Hole reporters could only wince at the prospect of the destruction of such valuable property. We truly wish the Bookout family a speedy recovery and that Dianne may one day see the error in her selfish, hedonistic ways.
At press time, Bookout’s husband Marty (42), has made a new attempt to add culture and value to the household by returning from work with an “unreal haul” of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace collector edition Pepsi® cans. Reports confirm that the set is complete apart from Sebulba, Shmi Skywalker, and Jabba the Hutt.