EDMONTON, AB – In response to rising racial tensions in North America, the Canadian Football League (CFL) team Edmonton Eskimos has elected to change the team’s name to better fit a more civilized time. Like most reasonable people, The Pot Hole ignored this news at first as it does not personally affect us. We are not offended by Edmonton’s current football namesake and therefore nobody else should be.
However, this all changed when one Lauren Hunter of Sonic 102.9 (Twitter: @HunterAtHome) provided some alternative names that her listeners suggested for the CFL team. One of these suggestions implied that the team should be called The Edmonton Potholes.
Even a joke comparison of a deeply-rooted Saskatchewan staple such as The Pot Hole News to a D-tier football team is a slap in the face to our culture. No culture has ever been this misrepresented and exploited by mainstream media and, quite frankly, we will not stand for it.
That being said, The Pot Hole News is committed to opening channels for discourse. After all, these are representatives of Sonic and we cannot expect the same level of cultural sensitivity that Mario and the team at Nintendo have delivered all of these years. This is why The Pot Hole News is proud to extend an olive branch to our Albertan neighbors with our Top 10 Edmonton Eskimo Name Suggestions:
- The Edmonton Quinns – It doesn’t explicitly say “eskimo”, but everybody’s heard the Manfred Mann song, right? We’ll all get it without having to say it.
- The Edmonton Chlamydia – This brand is already recognizable in Edmonton and would make for excellent cross promotion. Just think of all the “clap” puns Commonwealth Stadium could make for the audience during offensive plays.
- The Edmonton Mountain Dews: Baja Blast® – Pepsico® ended racism in 2017 with their record-smashing ad campaign success featuring Kendall Jenner and did it again by renaming the established Aunt Jemima brand after her. The Eskimos could very well benefit from having such as PR-savvy brand behind their name.
- The Edmonton Baby Seal Clubbers – Not only does this name roll off the tongue, it celebrates a proud Canadian tradition while implying that they will cruelly strike down their opponents like an innocent, unsuspecting baby seal and leave them wondering where their mother is and why she couldn’t protect them after only two months of life. Actually, this might not be the best name. You should probably just ignore this one.
- The Edmonton Wild Rose – This one isn’t good either. This name suggestion is just for the sake of continuing the rhyme scheme of “Well, I’d rather be a Rider than a fuckin’ Eskimo!”
- The Edmonton Pilates – This unique name would tribute the man who sentenced Jesus Christ to death, the flexibility exercise, and that Corner Gas episode that we stole this joke from.
- The Edmonton 18th Streets – Just like its namesake, you can tell your friends that it is not good this season for them because it is a rebuilding year.
- The Edmonton Fathers – A fresh brand name relatable to young female Edmontonians who are familiar with twelve men who they don’t know the names of dropping the ball and not having protection.
- The Edmonton [Redacted] Beaters – Our apologies, but this name was a submission from Jason Kenney. Let’s just say that if you are a pack of cigarettes in England you might find this one offensive.
- The Edmonton Inuits – This isn’t a suggestion so much as it is a pipe-dream. A mutually-beneficial relationship between a sports team and an Indigenous community where fair consultation and respect is given to the group represented is an impossibility. You’d have to stupid to think that. What are you, a fuckin’ Blue Bombers fan?
If you enjoyed our list you might also like huffing gold spray-paint and taking the ten-cent vouchers that gamblers leave behind on VLT machines. If neither are accessible, you can check out Feedspot’s Top 60 Canadian News Websites to Follow in 2020. We are proud to have finally surpassed the pompous, elitist dicks over at the Whitewood Herald. We are also anticipating several royalty checks from Edmonton’s new CFL franchise and are excited to see which of our names that they end up landing on!