DENARE BEACH, SK – Ashamed, hungover, and physically injured, a four-year old mallard duck named Howard had no choice but to accept the fact that he has a problem with alcohol abuse after falling through the chimney of a local residence and waking up in a basement.
“This is so embarrassing,” said Howard. “How can I stoop this low? I heard about this same thing happening to my father when I was young and I laughed at him, now here I am, following in his footsteps. What is wrong with me?”
The Pot Hole reached out to local ducks and confirmed that Howard was, in fact, intoxicated when he had fell into a cabin’s chimney a few kilometres Northeast of Denare Beach, SK. “Howard’s had a crush on me for a few years and was acting like a big-shot that night to impress me,” says Mallory, a three-year old female mallard who corroborated witness testimonies after being coaxed into an interview with a handful of wild rice and a slice of watermelon.
“We were partying at one of the cricks and were flying back home when it happened. He was flying in all different directions and bet us that he could dive right through this weird hole made of stone and fly back up, totally fine. We tried to talk him out of it but got mad and started saying odd things like that we thought he couldn’t do it and that no one respected him. So, down he went. He quacked and quacked on his way down but there was nothing that we could do. I mean, we’re ducks. What are we gonna do, call the SPCA?”
“Howard has always been like that,” said Gerald, a four-year old wood duck. “I’ve tried to talk to him about it a few times, but he always brushes me off and insists that he’s fine. A bird can only go through the same song and dance so many times before he stops trying.”
The Pot Hole had hoped that Howard would learn from his mistakes and turn a new leaf, but sources confirm that he could be heard calling for potential mates and friends to come and hang out with some cool, albeit strange looking and stationary party-goers that he had met a few weekends ago.