KAMLOOPS, B.C – In response to rising COVID-19 cases in British Columbia, B.C. health officials have released a number of tips and recommendations that people can practice to help reduce the spread of the virus and flatten the curve.
Most of the recommendations set by the BC Centre for Disease Control (BCDC) were reasonable and included the basics that most people know: remain 6 ft. apart from others, wear a mask in public, frequently wash your hands, etc. The report also included suggestions that sexually active adults may utilize in order to stop the spread of the coronavirus while also practicing safe sex. The BCDC has gained attention from the internet lately as one of these recommendations included practicing sex with barrier between the participants, otherwise known as a “glory hole”. In response to the ridicule, a representative of the BCDC has decided to come forward and dispel the myths surrounding glory holes, anonymous sex, and the spread of disease.
Dr. Raymond “Gash Hammer” LaFluer (47), a PhD in Epidemiology and Biostatistics and a long-haul petroleum trucker has assured The Pot Hole News that anonymous sex is safer now than its ever been, and has even provided a helpful tip for the public to enjoy themselves.
“In 2020 you got the best pick out of sisters of the road, lot lizards, and fillies just hard up on cash than ever before,” said the post-doctorate as he finished the last of his Grand Slam Breakfast at a local Denny’s truck stop. “Most of them girls are clean, just make sure that you got a jimmy hat and you’ll be fine, son.”
“Tell you what, I’ll make this even easier for you if you want a no-bullshit hump and dump like your boy, LaFluer. Take the Number 5 North like you’re going to Clearwater. In about an hour you’ll hit this town called Little Fort, stop in at the gas station there. There’s only one gas station, you can’t miss it. Go into the men’s room and go to the closest stall to you. Whatever you do, do not go the furthest stall away from you. You’ll find a phone number in there and instructions to call for a good time. On the other line you’ll find a woman named Cheyenne who will make all your dreams come true, brother.”
When asked what would happen if a person were to go into the furthest stall, Dr. LaFluer simply replied, “Where do you think we [The BCDC] came up with the glory hole idea?”
While the one hotline is the exclusive way to contact Cheyenne, Dr. Lafluer assured The Pot Hole that she is only a phone call away and a great resource for British Colombians seeking safe, anonymous sex while doing their part to flatten the curve. Dr. LaFluer also assured us that Cheyenne does not discriminate against gender, class, or political leanings stating that, “She’ll do what you want unless you’re a [redacted] or a cheapskate.”
The Pot Hole thanked Dr. LaFluer for sharing this resource and he reiterated that Cheyenne is 100% COVID-free.
“I think she might got a UTI though,” he said, scratching his groin as he climbed into the cab of his 2003 Western Star 4900.