SASKATOON, SK – The Canadian Weather Radar (CWR) has confirmed Saskatchewan locals’ fear that the province-wide heat wave may continue for the next several days and well into August. Weather experts also suggest that Saskatchewan citizens should begin prepping themselves for an unnatural influx of hot local singles in their area. The CWR warns that in addition to the heat, SK residents will also face a swarm of babes, foxes, minxes, studs, and boy toys.
“Due to the warm weather and the activities that come with it such as beach days and pool parties, we ask that the population take measures to prepare themselves for the smokin’ beach bods, glistening abs, and jaw-dropping gams that will bombard them over the next week or so,” said Carol Tudyk, a spokeswoman for the CWR during a press conference. “Total restraint must be practiced, even if your town is crawling with bodacious babes and handsome hunks. It is recommended that you stay indoors as much as possible and practice activities that will cool your jets such as a cold shower or thinking about your grandma riding a horse naked.”
“It is helpful that the MLB just came back. I do not think that the province would be able to handle this kind of heat without baseball,” she added.
Recommendations also include that the population avoids impromptu beach-volleyball games, wake-boarding expeditions, or lounging by the pool where a multitude of sexy backs, shoulders, and thighs are in dire need of a sunblock massage.
“Do not put yourself in the position of watching an impossibly sultry nymph or Adonis rise out of the water in slow motion, running their hands through their hair as the sun gleams off of their wet, irresistible body,” said Ms. Tudyk. “Once you find yourself lowering your sunglasses in disbelief of your eyes as you stare at a mesmerizing beauty with a hapless, gaping mouth, it is all over.”
When asked how this heat wave will compare to the heat wave of 2019 that also occurred during the August long weekend, Ms. Tudyk remarked that while we need to take precautionary measures, we are only human and to forgive ourselves for succumbing to the whims of summer.
“Last summer things were hot, sticky, and a little messy. I spent the entire August long last year cooling off at the cabin with a tall drink of water named Julian. As far as I know, things couldn’t possibly get hotter that,” said a visibly flushed Ms. Tudyk with a wry grin.