REGINA, SK – Saskatchewan Premier and known propane enthusiast Scott Moe has recently announced Saskatchewan’s first appointed Chief Firearms Officer. The role went to forty-year Saskatoon Wildlife Federation board member, former member of the national board of directors for the Canadian Sports Shooting Association, and someone who brings a way over-accessorized .22 to a turkey shoot, Mr. Robert Freberg.
The process of selecting the right candidate for the role was highly competitive and happened within the course of an entire day as the role was decided at the Debden Fish and Game Annual Turkey Shoot in Debden, SK. In addition to winning a full, frozen turkey and a coupon for a free large pizza at Amanda’s Pizza in Shellbrook, SK for successfully hitting consistent bullseyes with a .22 caliber rifle at 25, 50, and 75 yard ranges like other years, the winner of this turkey shoot was also appointed to win Saskatchewan’s Chief Firearms Officer position.
Saskatchewan members of parliament and the public agreed that this was a fair and balanced approach to decidee who would get the novel role. Other stakeholders, such as an anonymous reporter for The Pot Hole News who also entered the Debden turkey shoot, describes the affair as “utter and complete horseshit.”
“I should have won that shoot. Anyone who was there would tell you that,” our incognito reporter said. “The entire day I was just picking off perfect shots like it was nothing. I was using a 1936 Rabbit with short rounds, too. It’s got the old iron sights but if I can smoke a couple of Js, hammer a beer or two, and still pick off a beaver at 50 yards away with it it’s good enough for the shoot. I thought that I had it in the bag, for sure.”
Our source confirms that he had taken his targets down, received his score at the top-billing, and was celebrating with a rye and coke when Mr. Freberg entered the Debden Curling Rink.
“He was holding a large, black case and strutted in like his shit don’t stink,” said our source. “He opens his case and pulls out this gorgeous Tikka T1x MTR with a custom stock and barrel, a precision scope with polarized lenses, Stinger high-velocity long range shells, and a tripod! Nobody questions it, nobody cares. He fires his shots, and of course, hits each bullseye with absolutely no error. After completely screwing me, he takes a picture with his turkey and his Chief Firearms Officer plaque then leaves without donating to the fish and game club or even saying goodbye to anybody.”
“What a prick,” our source added.
Our source contends that a higher level of scrutiny should be practiced when the next Chief Firearms Officer is decided at the Turtleford Fish and Game Annual Turkey Shoot, with an emphasis on accuracy using .22 short range shells and a simple, bolt-action .22 with iron sights. However, our source did confirm that while he did not win the turkey shoot he did pick the winning ticket for the raffle sponsored by Demers Home Hardware that included a True Value branded lawn chair, rain gauge, hummingbird feeder, and beer cooler. So, like, who is the real winner here?