NORTH YORK, ON – Rothmans, Bensons, and Hedges, Inc.™ (RBH), a subsidiary of Phillip Morris International™ has recently released a new campaign titled UnSmoke Canada. The campaign is intended to improve the health of Canadians by encouraging smokers to switch from the bold, refreshing taste of Phillip Morris International™ cigarettes to the subtle, refreshing taste of Phillip Morris International™ vape-pen products.
The campaign has been directed towards the nation’s saps, rubes, simpletons, and suckers in a thinly-veiled effort to improve their bottom line while appearing to be socially-conscious and provide smokers with a nicotine-alternative that is absolutely, 100% safe and more importantly allows smokers to continue to be loyal Phillip Morris International™ customers.
“We want to #UnSmokeCanada to contribute to a healthier, more productive Canada,” said Falon Glasier, a spokeswoman for RBH who thinks that you just fell off the turnip truck. “It has nothing to do with the fact that nicotine vape-juice is far cheaper to manufacture than cigarettes and can be easily marketed to children via new flavours and the perceived health benefits compared to smoking that are super important to our health-conscious, over-18 (Ms. Glasier said with a wink) Gen-Z marketing demographic.”
“Phillip Morris International™ nicotine vapour products are lit, fam,” said Ms. Glasier as she dabbed. “We want all demographics to quit smoking and to switch to our vape products. For example, we are excited to release our newest smoking cessation product for the average gamer: The Mountain Dew: Baja Blast™ Gamer Fuel (Available in 30 mg and 50 mg Nicotine Content).
Ms. Glasier added that the Gen-Z population was the only one that took any sort of effort to market to. The rest of the Canadian population, in Phillip Morris International™ eyes, cannot stop sucking air from their slack-jawed, open mouths to stop for even a second to think about what they are consuming and why. Phillip Morris International™ also announced that stop just at smokers switching to their vaping products, but also believe that non-smoking idgets should begin vaping Phillip Morris International™ as a preventative measure to keep themselves from smoking.