B.C. Health Official Recommends Mouthwash Before Sloppy Seconds

FORT ST. JOHN, BC – While most Canadian provinces have remained silent regarding sexual activity during the trying times of the COVID-19 pandemic, the British Columbia Centre for Disease Control (BCDC) has released yet another jaw-dropping tip regarding the taboo subject late last week.

According to the BCDC, potential outbreaks of the novel virus may be avoided if sexually active adults use mouthwash between sexual partners, or “sloppy seconds” to the layman. The BCDC has offered sexually active adults safety tips to protect yourself and others from the virus such as: washing hands frequently, using glory-holes, calling anonymous numbers on bathroom stalls, and wearing a mask.

Dr. Raymond “Muff Guzzler” LaFluer (47), a PhD in Epidemiology and Biostatics and long-haul petroleum trucker, recommends using mouthwash before and after engaging in sloppy seconds.

“Look guys, I’m no stranger to the temptations of a good piece of tail – even if one, two, or three of my buddies have already had her,” proclaims LaFluer while smacking on a plate of hot wings and swilling a Bud Light in the remote B.C. truck stop. “In fact, if me and one of my trucker buddies scored the same chick, we used to call each other ‘Eskimo-bros’. But, I am not the such a crude pig these days. We call each other ‘Edmonton-bros’ now.”  

“Now, I don’t want you reporter wieners getting it twisted. I always recommend being the first dipstick to change the ladies’ oil but that’s not the reality of the situation lots of times. I acknowledge that.”

Dr. LaFluer, who is the head physician at the BCDC and just returned hauling propane from Edmonton, AB, does not recommend any particular brand of mouthwash so long as it is alcohol-based. LaFluer claims this suggestion does not come from textbooks but rather, “the School of the Road that taught me all about layin’ broads and always having some back-up booze.”

According to LaFluer, when he was trucking his way through medical school to pay for his high tuition costs, he saw a “different pair of shoes” leaving his Peterbilt every morning and has lost count of the notches in his belt. As of press time, this claim has still gone uncorroborated.

“Hell, I remember I was making a long-haul through Kicking Horse back in ’94 without mouthwash, and I used hard liquor in pinch. Just make sure she swishes it around a few times before she swallows it,” claims Dr. LaFleur while sucking the bone marrow out of his last chicken wing.

“Listen fellas, I’d love to sit around compare peckers with you all day but I hear it’s good weather up on the Koke and the Millers are calling my name. I gotta hit the road.” Dr. LaFluer placed a heavily worn 2005 $50 paper bill on the table.

He proceeded to haul ass in his 2003 Western Star to Victoria, BC, where he will be giving a keynote speech at the University of Victoria on how drinking and driving really isn’t that bad if you know the route, drive the speed limit, and are usually a good driver.