MARTENSVILLE, SK – Local pharmacy assistant and girlfriend, Jennifer Hoffus (28), can’t say that she’s surprised that you’ve lost something yet again. She bases this on your total and repeated incompetence to find even the simplest things around the house.
“Sometimes, I just sip my coffee and watch you frantically look for your keys that are obviously hanging on the wall,” said Hoffus. “It’s almost impressive how you can’t see them there but will look for them in the box in the garage where you keep your wake-boarding equipment. You truly are an oblivious, insufferable dope.”
Keys are far from the only item that you fail to pick up on, adds Ms. Hoffus. She has witnessed you time and time again fumble and flounder around the house like a drunken mule, amazed that you have somehow managed to live this long. Like seriously, we’ve lived together for like – what – three years? How the Hell do you not know where we keep the vacuum at this point? Did you huff paint as a child, or something?
“I have seen so many things literally right in front of your face that you somehow just completely miss: your wallet, your phone, paper towels, pens, washcloths, your hard hat, the butter, my purse, the fact that I am obviously mad at you. There’s been times where you are looking straight at it, yet you stand there sucking in air through your mouth like a carp. Then you turn to me and say it’s not there.”
“I would love nothing more than to put a pillow over your face and suffocate you sometimes,” said Ms. Hoffus. “But what would be the point? God would be telling you to walk towards the light and you wouldn’t fuckin’ see that, either.”
At press time, Ms. Hoffus has temporarily paused her crusade against your blindness to call on your assistance to kill a spider in the bathtub.