MOOSE JAW, SK – The people of Moose Jaw, SK are in a state of disarray after some shocking footage has been released that shows a cougar has been prowling among the population. The footage was taken on Saturday, September 19th and has been released to the public courtesy of The Crushed Can Sports Bar & Nightclub, formerly known as Champ’s.
The footage in question comes from one of the establishment’s security cameras and reveals that a fully-grown cougar has been lurking around the bar and grill searching for inexperienced, gullible, and preferably wealthy prey. Local conservationists have identified the cougar to be Andrea Whitman (41), a recent divorcée and a clothing retail manager with a penchant for alcohol and barely legal men.
“Ms. Whitman is what we call an ambush predator, that is what makes her dangerous,” says Thomas Rupps, a representative of the Moose Jaw Wildlife Federation. “The people of Moose Jaw must understand that she is an animal to be feared and respected. Young males who come from money are the most susceptible of the population, especially if they own and can take her on cruises in F-350 with lift kits, she can sniff those out from over a 10-mile radius.”
“She takes prey of nearly any ilk, but her preferred prey are current or former players of the Moose Jaw Warriors, by far,” adds Rupps.
“I remember a couple of years ago when Ms. Whitman got my boy, Trevor,” says local Crushed Can regular and flooring installer, Nathan Clark (23). “I was out with the guys after a senior hockey game and we were getting a good buzz on and hitting the D-floor. Without warning or explanation, Ms. Whitman pounced on Trevor from the dark and literally ripped the guy’s pants off in a drunken, horny frenzy. The staff had to lend him a pair of sweats, so he wasn’t in his gitch! He still ended up going home with her, though. Lucky bastard.”
Residents of Moose Jaw are encouraged to remain indoors and avoid contact with The Crushed Can Sports Bar & Nightclub on Saturday night as Ms. Whitman is planning a bachelorette party for her niece at the local pub. Conservationists also suggest that Moose Jaw residents dispose of any items that could attract the cougar such as bottles of Girls’ Night Out wine, Drakkar Noir cologne, paychecks from the oil patch, and any clothing bearing animal print.
Ms. Whitman did reach out to discuss her plans of what she intends to do with the late teens/early-20s prey that she finds at the bachelorette party, but her comments are far, far too vulgar to share in this publication.