SASKATOON, SK – Local man Devon Monette (29), expressed his disappointment in the popularity of pumpkin spice flavouring in coffee, baked goods, and even beer during the autumn season. The yearly pumpkin spice craze is largely attributed to the coffee chain Starbucks for releasing the Pumpkin Spice Latte, or PSL, in 2003 and releasing the beverage every fall.
Although most people do not attach their identity to a beverage and generally see the PSL as a harmless autumn treat, the pretentious millennial views the beverage and flavouring as a travesty to flavour profiles in coffees and beers. In a lengthy social media post, Mr. Monette discusses the fact that PSLs are for “basic white girls” who do not understand the intricacies of true coffee flavour profiles and only purchase the beverage as it is a trend and a means to harvest Instagram likes. It is reported that Mr. Monette also extended an extremely condescending offer to teach young women, “how to truly appreciate coffee and beer, and maybe learn some culture along the way.”
Local sources in the Saskatoon area could be found rolling their eyes and doing the jerk-off motion in response to Mr. Monette’s social media post and the complete lack of awareness that he is a basic white dude who attaches his identity to trendy beverages and has an incredibly active Instagram account in which he posts pictures of various craft beers almost daily. According to acquaintances of the part-time barista and bartender, gig musician, and full-time insufferable prick, Mr. Monette also spends $150 per week on different craft beers and frequents every downtown bar in Saskatoon.
“Devon is so full of shit,” said a Saskatoon bartender who wished to remain anonymous, “he comes in here nearly every day and guises his obvious drinking problem under the cloak of craft beer culture. The dude doesn’t tip more than 5% ever, either. At least the girls who order our pumpkin spice beers and Irish Coffees don’t tell you about their drink choices as if you’ve never seen a beer before.”
At press time, Mr. Monette was found in his apartment drinking an Abbey Dubbel by 9 Mile Legacy, wondering why people don’t text him as much as they used to. Analysts agreed that while Mr. Monette is literally the worst, his choice of beverage at the moment was top-notch.