MELVILLE, SK – Local pathetic loser, Donald Richardson (36), has reportedly once again sunk to new lows, which hardly surprises any of his friends or family. According to local sources, the part-time house painter and recent divorcee is continuing the course of his pitiful life by entering a sad sweepstakes contest to win a prize pack of chicken fingers and other frozen food products.
Mr. Richardson had discovered the contest by scrolling through his Facebook feed. Reports indicate that this was during his daily habit of laying on the couch in dirty sweatpants, scrolling through his social media feeds on his phone and gently playing with his genitals for several hours. Richardson, who is described by family as, “a sad sack of shit with no future”, happened upon the contest and was immediately drawn to the appeal of free processed food products.
“No wonder he entered the contest, boxed frozen food and fast food is all the guy eats,” said Shirley Poitras (33), a neighbor of Mr. Richardson’s. Mrs. Poitras agreed to provide comments to The Pot Hole on the condition that we specify that she is only a neighbor to Mr. Richardson, they are in no way friends or even acquaintances, despite Mr. Richardson’s claims that he has slept with Mrs. Poitras.
“I don’t think the guy has ever eaten a fresh apple, let alone made a proper meal for himself,” Mrs. Poitras continued. “As far as I can tell all the guy does is drink alone, smoke weed, play video games, watch TV and Youtube, and occasionally throws a frozen pizza in the oven or drives to the nearest fast-food joint when he needs to eat.”
She had also mentioned that because the feeble man has no hobbies, interests, or ambitions there is nothing compelling about him. Many other witnesses who know him confirmed this statement, referring to him as, “a self-absorbed conversational dial-tone with no positive qualities.” They also confirmed that, sadly, winning a prize pack of frozen processed food products would be the best thing to happen to Mr. Richardson in over a decade and even he needs a W every now and then.
At press time, Mr. Richardson had taken a break from masturbating on a Monday at 11:15 a.m. to make a Facebook post about his placement on the Clash of Clans scoreboard. The post received zero likes.