News in Brief: SK Uncles in Airbrushed Vans Mourn the Loss of Eddie Van Halen

Dreamstime

MELFORT, SK – As the cries at loss of legendary guitar virtuoso Eddie Van Halen (EVH) has rung around the world, perhaps no one has heard them louder than your uncle who owns, “that sweet-ass van”.

In fact, sources have confirmed that uncles around the province who drive vans ranging in models from the 1970s to the 1990s that display intricate airbrushed displays of desert landscapes, righteous battles being fought with swords and axes, Iron Maiden album art, and plenty of buxom, bodacious, and barely-clad babes have congregated to the Melfort Fair Grounds for a candle-lit vigil for the late guitarist. The uncles, including the one that used to buy beer for you when you were 15, decided on the Melfort Fair Grounds as the central location to park the shaggin’ wagons and pussy magnets as it is the site of the yearly gathering of the uncles – The Melfort Fair & Exhibition.

“We lost a hero, a friend, and a brother today, brother,” says Gerald McVie (55), one of the uncles who arrived from Pense, SK, in a “fucking sick rig” featuring a First Nations man fighting a grey wolf on one side of his van and the album art from Judas Priest‘s Painkiller on the other.

“I remember back in ’87 me and my bro Ray (Dr. Raymond Lafluer) were at a Van Halen show double-teaming a chick in the bathroom stall,” continued McVie, “Eddie will always live on through the memories of uncles everywhere.”

Sources confirm that the beer gardens at the candle-lit vigil is to serve both Old Vienna and Olympia beer. The province’s mothers have strictly forbid anyone who is isn’t an uncle from attending, but many testimonies report that they are, “massive buzzkills with a stick up their ass.”