SASKATOON, SK – Local angry loner and sociopath, Mervin Grey (44), has expressed his displeasure with the effects that the recent COVID-19 surge in Saskatchewan and its impact on Halloween 2020. Specifically, Mr. Grey is most displeased that the pandemic has foiled his plans to inflict grievous bodily harm to Saskatoon’s innocent children. The maniac feels that it is unfair to take the time over the course of an entire year to meticulously unwrap individual chocolate bars, insert razor blades inside them, melt chocolate over them and rewrap them to make them appear as normal bars.
Mr. Grey’s frustration stems from a lifetime of entitlement, narcissism, and substance abuse; but in this context stems from the fact that the “razor blade bar” is a difficult, time-consuming, and costly approach to psychopathy that has been robbed from him due COVID-19 precautions both from parents and the government.
“Do you have any idea what goes into fully immersing a razorblade into a Fun Size Oh Henry bar, how much time that takes? Then doing it a few thousand more times?” said Grey. “Getting your hands on individual razor blades in 2020 is a chore, itself. I had to subscribe to Dollar Shave Club just to make sure I had extras. All of that work, for nothing. I sat around all night waiting for trick-or-treaters and just got crickets.”
Mr. Grey had been inserting razor blades into chocolate bars and other candies since December of 2019, preparing for today and anticipating his acts to be the greatest news story of the year. He did not predict this pandemic, and still chipped away at his sinister albeit highly impractical method of mayhem hoping that the pandemic would blow over by this time. Instead, he has to settle for one more year of being a frustrated nobody while a virus from across the world gets all the glory. However, Mr. Grey remains optimistic.
“There’s always next year. Hopefully by then no one will have learned any lessons and their guards will be down,” said Grey. “Besides, it’s not like wrapped chocolate with a surgical steel blade embedded in it really goes bad. If you think about it, I have everything ready to go for 2021. I can spend the year relaxing the best way I know how, drinking alone and stewing over everyone who has wronged me during the course of my entire life.”
Mr. Grey is not the only one to have a disappointing Halloween in 2020. The Pot Hole News‘ highest base of readership and subscribers, exhibitionists and public masturbators, have also wrote us descriptions of having one of the worst Halloweens that they can remember. They also attached photos, but we did not open them.