MISTATIM, SK – In anticipation of the 2021-22 REC Hockey Season, the Mistatim Warriors Hockey Club has decided to extend their once private invitations to the general public for the 2020 Mistatim Warriors Invitational Christmas Camp. Sources confirm that the deadline has also been extended to November 31, 2020 for those who wish to attend and potentially be selected for a slot on the team.
The decision was made to extend the invitation both in deadline and to the general public for two reasons. The first was rumored to be because of the underwhelming amount of potential prospects who have committed and paid the registration fees. The second and confirmed reason being that additional funding is necessary to repair the front-end axle seals of Head Coach Mike Kipper-Snacks’ car.
In a press statement to reporters and the Saskatchewan Hockey Association (SHA) earlier today, Kipper-Snacks described his front axle as, “totally fucked.” He went on to explain to SHA Board Members that he would not be surprised if the entire Goddamn differentials need to be replaced, which would be a huge financial burden on the organization.
“You can still turn the wheel, and everything, but you need to crank her like a son of a bitch,” said Coach Kipper-Snacks.
“Usually, I’d have time to fix the thing myself but I just don’t this year. On top of my usual duties, I got a team of young blood who I got to turn into some decent players, if I can get their minds on the game instead of on tits and ass. I also got a hot-shot fifteen-year-old from Prairie River that will be our 40 goal scorer once I get him off the cigarettes. And I have to do that shit alone as my Assistant Manager is still under house arrest.”
When inquired about the nature of the Assistant Manager’s house arrest, Coach Kipper-Snacks replied, “We upload the value of unity at this organization. We win as a team, we lose as a team, and we roll together. Snitches get stitches and loose lips sink ships. FIFO.”
At the end of the press conference, Coach Kipper-Snacks informed the public that volunteer designated driver and beer-runner positions are immediately available. Donations of front axle seals and differentials for a mid-2000s Volkswagen sedan would also be accepted from fans wanting to assist the organization.
For more information or to apply for the 2020 Mistatim Invitational Christmas Camp, please fill out one of the forms below. You may send a completed form and the necessary fees to firstname.lastname@example.org.