Big Rock, AB – Alberta Genuine Draft, or AGD, has done the unthinkable and turned their backs on their largest demographic – the chewing tobacco community. What was once a staple to the Skoal and Copenhagen aficionado is now just another run-of-the-mill beer can that can only kind-of be used as a tuner. Specifically, the Albertan beer brand has removed their pop-off lids that provided ample spittoon use in favor of traditional tabs that always seems to get chew spit all over the place.
“This is a blatant slap-in-the-face to the hammer-packing patrons of AGD who have supported the brand for years,” said Richard Peterson (26), a local electrician and Skoal Straight enthusiast. “If me and the boys were out ice fishing I wouldn’t even have to go through a quarter of a case and I’d have a spitter for everyone. I bought a case every time for that specific reason. You ever try to take an old dip out and put it in one of those little tab holes? It never works.”
“I could have just bought the beer once and kept a couple of cans in my garage to use over and over,” adds Aaron Yelland (33), a local mechanic. “But, I didn’t. Want to know, why? It’s because I supported the brand that gave you a 24 beers and 24 tuners at a reasonable price. This how they repay us? I’m going back to drinking Bud and spitting in a Solo cup, doesn’t look like I have a say in the matter.”
Chewing tobacco specialists and analysts agree that this is one of the worst things to happen to the chew community since the Great Chew Famine of 2015.
“If it hadn’t been for The Northerner, many of us wouldn’t have survived 2015,” said Dr. Matthew Riffel, an economics professor at the University of Regina. “When they phased out the small tins there was no telling what the demands would be. Whether you were packing short-cut in the combine, throwing in a plug during buck season, or even sneaking a portion of General Snus to hide it from your girlfriend, the chances are you were in dire straights during 2015. Just like then, the great betrayal of AGD means that we have to adapt and make sacrifices.”
Dr. Riffel informed The Pot Hole that he would provide us with more information as he got it, but needed to think AGD‘s business strategies over “a fat fucking dinger”.