BJORKDALE, SK – Local Catholic priest, Martin Kowalski, is doing his best to keep things under control after arriving to the church for Christmas Eve Mass with what he describes as “a pretty healthy buzz.” According to eye-witnesses, Kowalski’s current state can be explained by the fact that he had been drinking with his siblings, cousins, and other family members since before noon. Despite their objections and obvious drunken state the family’s eldest matriarch, Ethel Kowalski, insisted that the entire family, including the priest, attend the evening Christmas Eve Mass.
“It all started when my brother and I were clearing the ice fishing gear out of the garage to use either tomorrow or on Boxing Day. After that we decided to check up on the sled to make sure that was running alright as the carb was a bit fucked on her last year,” said Fr. Kowalski as he popped three sticks of gum into his mouth. “We got on the sled at about 10 or so, and decided to have a beer while we were doing that. It all went downhill from there.”
Local sources suggest that Fr. Kowalski’s drinking took a spike when his cousin Edward Dudek, “Perogy Tits Eddie”, appeared with a bottle of his homebrew. “Perogy Tits brings his homebrew every year. It’s pretty smooth stuff but that doesn’t mean that it won’t knock you on your ass. We must have spent 3 or 4 hours sitting in the garage bullshitting and playing cards. By the time we moved the party to the kitchen for some food it was already too late.”
The Kowalski’s party continued in the kitchen with several family members rotating in and out of the table to drink, tell stories, and play cribbage. It was not until Fr. Kowalski stood up from having to take a “wicked piss” that he noticed the time was 6:30 p.m., only a half hour before mass. The Father reported to The Pot Hole that he had to “get my robes out of the dryer and haul ass to the church.”
At press time, Fr. Kowalski could be seen taking an extra long swig of the sacramental wine as not to “waste a perfectly good buzz”.