REGINA, SK – In a press conference held at the Legislative Building this morning, the newly inaugurated year of 2021 announced its plans to build off of the work of 2020 by adding to all of the heartbreak and tragedy you’ve endured over the course of last year with a swift and unexpected kick to your genitals.
“2020’s term was truly fantastic in completing its ‘Ain’t That a Bitch?’ and ‘I Can’t Wait to See What’s Next!’ platforms, it is inspiring to see that so much ball-busting and titty-twisting can be accomplished within 365 days,” said 2021. “We intend to continue these platforms, and we are off to a great start, already. In addition, we will also be distributing stimulus packages of a boot-clad foot delivered directly to your gonads at record speed.”
2021 promised that these kicks would be powerful enough to make all citizens projectile vomit and walk like a penguin for the entire day, regardless of gender identity or biological genitalia being impacted by the blow.
“As of this statement you, yes, you as in the person reading this right now can expect to receive a steel-toed strike to the most sensitive area of your body sometime within the next 350 days. Our agents are working tirelessly to ensure that these kicks may even be delivered on weekends and holidays. No one will be left behind.”
At press time, 2021 assured reporters that it will do its best to distribute one running kick from behind to everyone’s reproductive organs evenly, but stated that some citizens may receive numerous kicks throughout the year.