Groundhog Sees Shadow, Will Return in Six Weeks to Judge the Living and the Dead

Groundhog Disgusted with the Filth that Mankind has Wrought on the World

Punxsutawney, PA – Reports confirm that the famous weather predicting groundhog in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania emerged from its burrow this morning to see his shadow, returning to whence he came. According to legend, this means that we can expect six more weeks of winter until the groundhog returns to judge the sins of the living and the dead.

Meteorologists suggest that SK residents make the best out of the extended winter and get outside to enjoy the pastimes that our frigid province has to offer such as tobogganing, snowmobiling, ice skating, hockey, skiing, ice fishing, snowshoeing, or even just building a fire for an outdoor wiener roast. It is also suggested that these activities be done with family; when the groundhog returns it is impossible for those made of flesh and blood to tell who will be selected for divine salvation and who will be condemned to eternal damnation.

The most that we can do is cherish the six weeks that we have left with friends and family before the groundhog leads an army of angels and the Seven Trumpets sound the beginning of our end. Find comfort and enjoyment in your frosted eyelids, chapped lips, and chattering teeth over the course of the next six weeks. You may very well miss that feeling when the groundhog determines your fate to drown in a lake of fire, being burnt alive by ash and tar for the rest of time.