PRINCE ALBERT, SK – During a recent anthropologic field study of human behaviors while socializing, researchers uncovered a shocking discovery in the Saskatchewan city of Prince Albert. Over the course of the six month field observation, the Canadian Anthropology Association were studying simple behaviors of Prince Albert residents, hoping to get a glimpse into the changes that may have occurred to human interaction after a year of the pandemic being in effect. During the study at one of the research sites, a local bar, they discovered the first ever documented case of a person claiming that they will only go out with their friends for one drink and actually doing so.
Local schoolteacher and unprecedented phenomena, Blake Melanson (27), had texted a group of his friends earlier that night to let them know that he would be joining them at a local pub for a bite to eat and to visit, but also specified that he would be indulging in one, and only one, drink due to some personal obligations he had made the next day.
“I’ve seen people come out for two or three on a weekday when they have work or have to spend the next day with their boyfriend’s grandparents or some stupid shit like that,” said Vanessa Kwasney (28), a long-time friend of Blake’s. “This was on a Friday, plus it was Happy Hour! But, like a man with determination made of stone, I watched him drink only one pint of Alexander Keith’s, determine that was enough, and called himself a cab home.”
“I wonder if the same iron will is why Blake never did hit it when I gave him so many chances in college?” she added.
Other patrons of the bar who witnessed the event were also in a state of disarray from the display of discipline not unlike that of a Shaolin monk. Even when Blake’s peers pressured him into staying for “just one more” he politely declined, paid his tab, and walked out. According to sources, none of the usual methods such as offering to buy him a round or questioning his masculinity pierced the adamantine hide of Mr. Melanson.
As if this phenomena were not bizarre enough on its own, the research team also discovered that upon returning home Mr. Melanson only watched Netflix for less than one hour before saying to himself, “I don’t need to watch another episode tonight, I can just pick up where I left off tomorrow,” and going to bed.