The former Regina Pats and Humboldt Broncos coach, Bernie Lynch, is currently under investigation for previous criminal activity involving inappropriate communications actions with minor hockey players. Mr. Lynch only regrets getting caught and that he never got to see the fabled, ‘Soggy Biscuit’ hazing ritual first hand.
“You spend close to forty years pursuing a dream and it gets ripped away from you in an instant,” said Mr. Lynch from his home, visibly distracted by a re-run of Zac Efron’s High School Musical on television. “When I was a kid, everyone looked up to the hockey heroes of the town. I just knew that someday, somehow, I would be in that locker room with them, watching an entire team of twenty players circled around a cookie and consecutively ejaculating on it. I wished I could watch that and be able to tell my mom and dad, ‘I made it.’
For those of you who do not follow bizarre sexual rituals of minor hockey players as closely as Mr. Lynch does, the ‘Soggy Biscuit’ is a myth that includes a men’s sports team circling a food item, typically a cookie, and masturbating together until they all ejaculate on it. According to the myth, the last one to finish has to eat the food item. The hazing ritual is nothing more than an urban legend, which is fortunate news for everybody except Mr. Lynch.
“Forty years, forty fucking years, and it’s just now that I find out that it isn’t real,” said Mr. Lynch. “I could have spent this time pursuing a career in the clergy or volunteering as a Boy Scouts Patrol Leader. What did I do instead? I chased El Dorado’s gold, like a fool.”
Despite the devastation that Mr. Lynch has suffered from not being able to witness a score of minor boys engaging in a circle-jerk, he maintains that he will be able to live in peace in his retirement with great locker-room shower memories and his following of “cutetiktokboys_” on Instagram.