Report: Cereal Selection at Grandparents’ Home Really Sucks Ass

SYLVANIA, SK – Local grandparents and the known respective patriarch and matriarch of the Lutz family, John and Marie, are widely considered throughout the Sylvania area as generous, hospitable, and hard-working people. They are respected members of the communities due to how much they donate their wealth and time back into the town that they love. Local community members have confirmed that whether their small town is having a bake sale, a potluck, or a fundraiser, John and Marie usually have something to do with it.

Despite their nearly unanimous adoration, one of their harshest critics comes from a close source. Matthew Lutz (16), grandson of John and Marie’s, has shared with The Pot Hole News that his elders are not as cool as everybody makes them out to be.

“First of all, the internet at their house is garbage,” said Matt. “A single Tik Tok video takes longer to load than the actual video itself, for fuck’s sake.”

However, the slow internet speed is just a minor inconvenience compared to the true issue at hand. This is the fact that the selection of breakfast cereals at the grandparents’ residence is truly, truly awful. The selection of aged breakfast cereals has been described by observers as boring, bland,

“The first problem is that half of them have either the word, ‘Fiber’ or ‘Bran’ right in the name. That eliminates them right away. The other half are cheap imitations of cereals that aren’t even that good to begin with, like unfrosted Mini-Wheats. They even have a plain white box that says nothing else but, “FLAKES OF CORN”, I didn’t even know you could get that in 2021.”

Matthew also stated that he loves his grandparents and that his grievances are a simple fix. “How hard would it be for them to get one box of something decent? They know that we visit at least once per month. Hell, I’d even settle for Frosted Flakes or Cap’n Crunch. I’d rather deal with the cuts in my mouth than whatever the fuck ‘Just Right‘ is.”

At press time, a visibly frustrated Matthew was seen standing at the refrigerator, forced to choose whether he would quench his thirst with orange juice, skim milk, or President’s Choice Ginger Ale.